Azrael

i need to start posting again... but hmmmm... i dont know... maybe... lata

apparently people have been describing me as an asshoel recently, and i can figure out why... sometimes i'm tactless and can be extremely forceful when someone attacks me (in any means) ... but in all actuallity i can be kind to everyone for everything that people say to me... i cant (it's just not human to me to be happy with everyone, especially when someone strikes a nerve with me) ... but its just intriguing that now i am starting to hear this and not for the past two years at being in bloomington... maybe my character has changed, maybe im being too blunt... maybe just the people are changing... i am under enough stree that in the past would have led me to cutting my wrist up with anything sharp enough (broken piece of a soda can, sissors, even a key, or a knife), but i have been able to deal with it all. and people dont seem to understand that before college i had no social life (or at least it was minimum) and now i have one... and me and my personality dont truely get along with social aspects and regulations on what to do with and say to people...

there are other things stressing me out:
- im starting to become de-mystified with the CLLC... it was a great place for me last year and seemed to be last semester, but at the moment... it's become to childish and people are stuck back in high school, which i something i wished never to have to deal with again... videogamers are rampant, stereotypical homosexuals are everywhere, clichs and it all seems (not to say these aspects are causing it) but that there is a mental lose of community here. the tables have turned (cliche, but i dont care now) to where ive started to realize that the CLLC is just one giant gossiping whore, its rampant... and people that talk about people degradingly behind their backs are so ramapnt around here, but these are the same people that stated that doing that was ill and sickening... [this could go on for a very long time, i'll cut it off here]

- there is a boy (which is a pathetic description of him because he's not)... but this whole situation is driving me crazed... first time we met we nearly made out... lips touched, he pushed me away respectfully because i had just taken a drag of a cig, then from there we have proceeded to torture each other back and forth, and now its getting to the point where i actually do like being around him, but there are mental constraints causing me to just stop myself... which again makes me an asshole, for torturing him - then just saying "no" ... but anyways... i dont know what to do, ive never had to deal with something like this and it's causing me many tribulations

- something totally away from the last two... and i know that many people havent done this either, but last year i went home every third week... remember i'm from massachusetts, going to college in Indiana, and i can get very homesick... and there for, for the last nine weeks, i havent gone home, i havent seen my three cats, i havent not talked to my brother, i havent enjoyed my mother's and father's cooking... its tough for me to be trapped in bloomington with very little reminding me of home... i cant even cook, but there have been too many cockroaches within the little kitchenette that's for everyone within five buildings...



- something a little less important, at least to some people who may actually read this, but i havent written anything since last semester when i was forced to write something at least twice a week... there just has been nothing... nothing at all, i dont know... i hope my trance work will bring something out at the next full-moon...


sorry to any one who reads this, but posting something on facebook would have had any of my friends read this, since this little message goes out to everyone saying "this bitch wrote this now all laugh at him" (paraphrased) ...

ha det bra!

i know this will sound emo-licious, but it is true... i may be in a depressed state or am i in a manic state... hmmm... anyways... i just guess yeah that i will always be the one that gets to see those form relationships, hear about those that like him or her, but never really will i be the one that someone says that about... im just no ones flavor of choice, you get stuck with me, when all the other flavors are out... and this in terms of being around me, talking with me, being a friend with me, because really no one will truely be interested in me... and this long rant just sounds so painfully egocentric all about me, me, me, but truely i think too much about those around me... i even hate to use the word "I" while talking with people... something just needed to be said... i know im not flavorless and quite literally i can be around anyone that i dont fear is hurting themselves or is stereotypical... well it really will come down to the final straw i guess... typically im stuck being celibate from passion and love, and yes even romance... and entirely not considerably by choice... maybe its for the best, make myself frigid and increase the bitterness levels, maybe just fall out of public gaze and become another hermit in college... "painfully alone" i guess is my phrase, i understand that one doesnt need anything stated above, but ive never had any of it- a date, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a cuddle buddy -none of it has ever been there for me... probably i will get used to it, but then again i may just hurt until my final ending scene...

why did my grandfather cross the road?
-to occupy france

not my joke, but thought it was funny

I am the p orbital!

I am a dumbbell!


Take the quiz

so i wanna update anyone who actually reads this.. but what to say... im still clinically insane, but still not in an institution, ive been working in Falmouth (MA) since the beginning of May. Working in the R&D department and running many many experiments... someone help me... im trying to make my own major at IUB (indiana university of bloomington)... it goes along the lines of: Theoretical Pharmacological/Medical Chemistry... HELP!!!! anyways... other then that mush hasnt been happening, ive been sober except for on night... and that was wonderful until i started throwing up outside in the rain... at least i was outside already... so theres that... im still smoking and a few people here can attest to that... so around and around my mind goes... ive purchased maybe more then 25 pornos in the last three months... 85% are crap but a few are good... mathematically it doesnt work out but whatever...
so here is that... anything else you want to know contact me...

Music Updates:(what ive been listening to over the last three months)
倖田來未
香奈
アジアン・カンフー・ジェネレーション
ボアダムス
현영
天野月子
Rasputina
The Dresdon Dolls
Kevorkian Death Cycle
VNV Nation
梁詠琪
The Bloodhound Gang
Jeffree Star *I highly recommend looking him/her/whatever up on myspace.com

anyways thats that... i have nothing else to say at the moment... im going out for a cigarette (Bali Hai _ Clove Cigaretts YAY!!!!!)

what is death, but a realization and continual function of reality... ive always wanted to move to the other microbial universe that has brouht us some knowledge of the afterlife, which is nonexistent... what shall i do with my favorite idea of suicidal transcendence... help me... i dont want sex, i want a relationship, but at the same time ive given up on everything that has a function in sexuality... hmmmm... something has to change, but nothing will for the moment as i contemplate masturbating to a gay porn, watching it go in and out, and some other person sopping up the juices and oozing matter... lata hopefully, lata... i wont die, yet, but something is in the air... something like a decomposing corpse, that has embedded itself into my mental process...

i have to fucking flu and a secondary infection, probably of the upper lungs, but any way. im back in massachusetts for the summer, and there is something clouding my mind, maybe its the temperature... anyway... i should start working a week from now, and there is nothing fuck it im going to go lay down im way to sick... lata

OK, lets start somewhere... how about tonight... lets see ive just been hanging around with drunk students as the only mainly sober person and one it shocks me to see what the hell is going on and second i wish i could be like them, but with my mental state and physical nuerological condition ive decided to remain partially sober most of the time... actually im sober all of the time except now and then... these are people that could be easily pushed into compromising positions (laugh track) and it frieghtens me... but enough of that... im down to my last pack of smokes and ive decided to at least go one full week without a single puff of a cigarette (for those new to my life i dont smoke POT, i have and never want to again... its too personally addicting to me and its just a waste of money) once this pack is gone and its beyond half-way through... i mean there wasnt any real problems when i came home after my little mental crisis, i didnt go through any physical withdrawls and it actually felt nice not to continuely cough up phlegm... anyways beside all of this and this only being friday (the first day of this alcoholic rampage) my classes are going fine and i have only missed one so far and hope not to miss any others... i wont be able to remain friends with any of these people that are now my "friends" because i cant stand to see them go into drugs no matter how tame they seem to be... i want to remain in a structured yet surrealistic enviroment, its going to take some work and i need to find some psychological help in the mean time... ill post something latter... i need to go smoke.. just kidding... im going to go and watch a movie... two movies i strongly suggest are "The Phantom of Liberty" -Luis Bunuel and "400 Blows" -Traffaut... later people...

Take the quiz: "what kind of drug are you? (includes pictures)"

ketamine.
you are ketamine. special, trippy, outgoing and spiritual.

I RETURNED TO MASSACHUSETTS AND HOME ON FRIDAY ADN IM COMPLETELY BORED OUT OF MY MIND NOW! GOD DAMIT. WELL WHATEVER IM GOING TO TRY AND MAKE TO BEST OF IT THOUGH THERE IS WAY TO MUCH I HAVE TO DEAL WITH AS THERE ARE THINGS I HAVE TO DO BEFORE GOING BACK TO INDIANA AFTER NEW YEARS. I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I AM NOT ON VACATION... I ACTUALLY WITHDREW FROM SCHOOL FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER AND NOW IM HOME...SIGH... ... TOMORROW IM GOING TO POP INTO SCHOOL AND SEE WHATS UP WITH EVERYONE STILL HERE... SIGH... OH BY THE WAY IM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AND HOPING TO FINISH AT LEAST ONE SEMESTER... CRAP...!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi my name is Graham W. SKinner, and i have heard about you and your teaching styles from many of you former, still IU, students and how wonderful they found your classes were, in mainstay Russian and Soviet Cinema. They told me great things about you rugid work ethics and ideas around what college should be and that has greatly caught my interest. the thing is that i am a freshman, who has basically been fornicated with in the manner that my registration date is so late and that i have heard that you may or may not be retiring after this year and would die if i could not take one of your classes before then. so all in all i was wondering if you could reserve me a seat in the classes mentioned. i am a SLAV language and literature major, who has a had a great fascination with every thing based in and around Russia and its off shoots. I enjoy everything from Gogol/ Dostoyevski/ and Pushkin to the movie Earth. I have always had this profound interest and merely want to take class with what many students have described as a magnificant teacher.
Thank You, even if its just for taking the time to read this.

The classes i would die to take, and if you could hold a seat for me-
SLAV-R352 Russian and Soviet Film 20199
SLAV-R264 RUS LT: Tolstoy to Solzhenitsyn 20195

Again, Thank You

Today, I GOT PIERCED, YAY. im so freakin happy, ive never had a high so great and the piercings look great as well, ill put up a picture later when i figure out how to get them off my camera and onto a school computer. i got my bridge and an anti-eyebrow, and wait a week and there will be more. seeyall soon

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You will go to jail for:	You were mistaken for a serial killer because of your habit of wringing your hands in the air and yelling 'kill them all!'
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

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it been a while i know, but you know the college thing happens to be dictating my life at the moment. so finally for the moment of insanity you've all been waiting for: as this is the only way for my friends to check up on me. well, aside from the 6 hours of listening to cradle of filth, i spent the entire day yesterday tormenting myself over the fact i havent met anybody that seems interested in me. but thats something i always complain about. onto something new, i also spent the day questioning my existence and i found that every answer to pass through my serebrum came back to the idea of pain, god my existentialism teacher would love me, if he could hear me talk yesterday. well anyways the only reason i know i exist and to totally say fuck to Descarte, is that i exist because i feel pain. and its not the friendly pain either of having a cigarette put out on your skin, or paly punching, or shear S&M play, but its the soul wrenching (cliche) pain that delves deep into your tissues pulling every square inch of your body into nothingness. my existence revolves around the pain not caused by others, but by the pain i cause myself (i.e. purposely hurting myself). this is either done by physical torture like putting through the aforementioned pains, but more often then should be inflicted, or even get pierced in painful places or more then should be done at one given session. then there is the mental pain, which is always mulling around and around in my head and never seems to leave or even give me an ounce of happiness, unless i spend the $50 to by an eighth of pot, but anyways there are the pains that are always inflicted on myself and it will never end because if it ends then i dont exist. back to something a little more delightful, what is it with gay men and sex? i found that the majority of gays on campus or at least at teh quad i am in, all of them just think about having sex with someone, who could be wither gay or straight or the intermediate, but it just stimulates the mind, not in a sexual manner, but in a philosophical manner. the idea that i have formed by observing the behaviors of gays is that it is a rare find to have someone who is just into sensuality instead of sexuality. where the aforementioned gays look for ass and cock, the sensual gay has little or very well has suppressed the desire for sex leaving the ultimate high during contact which is just being together, like under the sheets, but instead of having sex, there is a "feeding" or combining of energies that flow through each person that allows us to be content with that partner. thats all i fucking want, my pill create a low sex drive and though sex is wonderful id much rather just be sleeping with some, not sexualy in a bed 9 preferably his or mine). well thats enough ranting i shoul dgo to sleep for once and stop thinking, like that will ever happen, oh wait it will when i die either by anothers hand, ie natural cause or you know, or i off myself in one of my fits of depression. NIK BY THE WAY RISPERDAL IS AN ANTIPSYCHOTIC THAT IS THE PRIMARY MEDICATION FOR PEOPLE IN OUR SITUATIONS, YOU BEING A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC AND ME BEING A BIPOLAR FREAK OF NATURE, Bye for now Allyall.

no matter how hard i try i will never be able to overcome the assumption that in gay terms that i am a bear... i guess thats how it goes in these matters and there is probably nothing i can do to change that as long as i am myself... im thinkin gabout putting out a personal ad, just paper sheets here and there being extremely blunt lookin gfor a date and something else and it may not be sexual for all i care... ahhhhh this is driving me insane and i cant get my min dove rthe fact that nothing is there there is nothing here for me in collins in IUB in Indiana... the scene for fags is limited to fairly princesses and macho beaters... and where do i fit in mayber in the farthest reaches of the closet... stuck all the way in the back gasping for air... damn me... damn the community here, there, and everywhere...FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dropped it faster then my anxiety kicked in and the result too many pills, too little time. i havent tried to OD, but i know i will slepp very well tongiht as well as being in a grave.

Today has been very interesting... bu teveryday should be like that... i made out with someone totally awsome, but know that almost nothing can happen in many different aspects... one being my self-destructive tendencies... but damn that tongue and the coarse facial hair... happy days... somebody help me... i cant get through myself and figure out why there is nothing here for me at the moment...

im so fucking bored and so badly want to give head just to taste the cock and to smell and everything else associated with giving a blowjob... well give a call or fucking see me out on the collins courtyard... its always impersonalized and there is nothing to be afraid of fuckers... im dead inside... so it should easy just to get a quicky and go about your own buisness without any complications of me giving a fuck about you...

What i said yesterday or whenever its not like going to happen, all im doing is venting, but what i know that this kind of seems like an extreme way to vent, but i just wrote it and if anybody here in collins reads this must have seen me at some point wondering and stumbling around the collins courtyard, so i didnt act upon the written word... but anyway i just ahd a nice chat with some people in a closed room and it was nice... im probably going to read and to bed later tonight... again, im still alive and i wont commit the atrocious act.... signing off for the night...